I concluded that I judged others because I judged myself. For the last few months I’ve tried to instill a new belief, “The less I judge myself, the less I judge others.” I want to adopt this idea because I prefer not to be judgmental.
At the same time, I learned I had a tendency to judge others—including myself—against what the “perfect person” would do.
I got this idea from the book The Queen’s Code by Alison A. Armstrong. In her book she uses this idea to explain why women may get upset at the behavior of men because they compare “his” actions against what a perfect woman would do.
It’s impossible for any man or woman to live up to a perfect person.
Moreover, since there is no perfect person, this “comparing” business is just painful and fruitless.
From here on—along with judging less—I will also give up judging others against the perfect person. But, if I do judge—because I’m not perfect and sometimes it happens—I find myself judging others with more compassion than I do myself.
I am more understanding when others are not perfect — when they seem not to know what to say or do. I forgive people easily for making mistakes and for misbehaving. I even go beyond compassion and actually feel empathy.
This is well and good, but where is that compassion and empathy when it comes to Jeanne not being perfect? Where is the understanding when she doesn’t know what to say or do?!
I should have more compassion for myself because I know my whole story.
I know my upbringing. I know my thoughts. I know my feelings. I know the actions I have taken.
I know what my butt has been through—and pardon my French—but I should be understanding as f*ck towards my not knowing, my mistakes, my imperfections, and so on.
Do you feel what I’m saying? I think you do. I’m assuming we have this in common.
We judge ourselves too harshly against an ideal that isn’t real.
Now that I’m privy to this personal flaw, I’m going to show me some kindness.
I’m going to say ‘sorry’ to myself. I’ll tell myself, ‘You’re doing your best and you’re a good person.’
I’m going to listen to my feelings and let myself vent. I’m going to surrender to not being perfect—or not being like my mother, my sisters, or some woman who I think has the answers.
I will forgive myself. I’ll heal the experience that taught me I needed to be perfect to be loved, accepted, and understood. (What a load of poop!)
I’m going to love and accept myself as I am—imperfect—because I deserve it.
Furthermore, only I can give this kind of compassion to myself because no one knows me better than me. In this, I am the perfect woman for the job.
I—WE—need to let go of self-judgement.
We are too old (a phrase you’ll rarely hear from me) and hopefully wise enough to realize that though self-criticism can lead to change—more than not—it leads us to just feeling bad about ourselves.
Changing and bettering ourselves is admirable, but if we’re measuring ourselves against an unachievable ideal — we will fail miserably and where will that get us? I’m guessing a life with regrets.
That just won’t do because there is no perfect:
- Spiritual path
And one more thing…
In addition to not being perfect, let’s revel in our imperfections because this makes us unique.
No one else can play the part of you better than you.
With our imperfections, we are still strong enough to handle our trials.
With our flaws, we are still smart enough to solve our problems.
With our limitations, we are still capable enough to navigate a happy, satisfying, and love-filled life.
Yes. YOU and ME.
As I’ve said before—You are the leading lady of your life-story—and all memorable women are complex and flawed in their own way.
Tweet it like you mean it!I'm not perfect and that's OK by me. Click To Tweet